What do the following word sets have in common?
1. selfish, jealous, crude
2. egotistical, moody, bitchy
3. stressed, annoyed, frustrated
4. arrogant, deceitful, wretched
Now how about these?
5. unselfish, altruistic, nice
6. caring, benevolent, strong
7. dedicated, trusting, encouraging
8. humble, honest, friend
Figure it out yet?
The first sets describe ...me.
The last sets describe ...Josh.
Just flip through my journal and you'll see...I've been such a selfish bitch lately. Before we broke up, I got so controlling and selfish that I had to have Josh all the time or I'd freak. It's like I didn't trust him...but in reality, I didn't trust me. I knew I was capable of hurting him. I didn't trust myself. I had to know where he was at all times or I'd worry. I was jealous if he was with someone other than me. I was totally a crude bitch and I never saw it and he was too nice to really complain because he cared for me and didn't want to offend. I'm so sorry, Josh.
You know what hurts the most? Through it all...he's been so strong. He's been such a good person. He cared and never stopped loving me no matter what...even once he reached his breaking point...he'd push aside being sick, he'd push aside getting in trouble at work, he'd push everything aside to be there for me. How could I have been so horrible? God, I feel so stupid and blind.
I'm going to make this up to you...not for myself but for you. You deserve a good friend. You deserve happiness. You deserve the best.
I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm so sorry I ruined everything including the trust in our friendship.
And you've forgiven me. Josh, how are you so strong? How are you so great? Man, ...I had the best guy ...the best friend in the world ...and I was so arrogant and proud ...so ...everything that I never saw it and you felt unappreciated. I'm so sorry, honey.
Oh Josh, I hope our baby is like you. I never meant to be this way and I'm truly sorry from the depths of me.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for putting up with me.
Thank you for forgiving me.
Thank you for loving me.
Oh God...look at me. I'm a mess. I'm sitting here crying when all along I should have done something about it.
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God,
I don't know when things got this way. I don't know when I got so bad but I'm truly sorry. How could I have lived out your will when I was being so selfish? Yet you've blessed me. You've given me a strong friend to help get me closer to you. You've given me a child...you've given me life and this is how I repay you? I'm selfish, and it's not just sins of the flesh anymore. I've sinned so deep that I feel like my entirety is based on these deadly flaws. Please God, I come to you with a repentant heart. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm so sorry for being blind and for not trusting you more and for worrying all the time. I'm so, so sorry. How could I have called myself a Christian when I behaved such way? How could I? I'm sorry, Lord and I'm turning away from that lifestyle. But I can't do this without you. I'm willing to give it my all. I'm putting my full faith and trust in you. Please renew me. Refresh me. Turn me from my selfish ways. And Lord, please bless Josh. He's truly your child and he's such an incredible friend. Please help him get better and feel your grace around him. Please help him out. He's in a bind and I'm not helping. I'm just adding to his stress level. Please comfort him and keep him safe. Please keep him strong and protect him. He means so much to me and I wish he could see how sorry I am. I love you, Lord. You've forgiven me and never turned your back. Thank you for being my Savior. Thank you for sending Jesus. I'm so sorry and I know this is going to be a big struggle...but I'm willing to take it to make things right with you. I need your guidance. Only you can help me through this. Please help make me strong and protect our child as I go through this confrontation. Thank you for hearing me and thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for everything you do and more. Lord, I'd be nothing without you. Please help me. Please. I love you.
In Jesus's Name,
AMEN
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My beloved Readers...I know there's several of you that I do not know. Or maybe this is your first time here. But I do want to know about you. If you need something, ask...if you need prayer, you're getting it. Tell me about YOU. How are YOU doing?