Julie,
Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for all you do. I know what you tried to do...I mean, telling Josh and all. But, Julie, stop worrying about me. I would be there if I could, but I have no way.
Thank you for trying though...I will never forget that.
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Kevin,
Thank you for trying to tell me the story ...even if you didn't finish it :P I know you're trying...but you can't save the world. (Heh) Thanks for trying and thanks for being a friend.
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Susu,
Thank you for um...wanting me to die?
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Luddy,
I'm so sorry I forgot about your brother. I feel horrible for forgetting that. But you're right, you didn't know me good enough to talk me out of this. You tried though. Kudos to you.
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Josh,
You can't talk me out of this. I don't know if I can believe you anymore. I don't know if I can. You lied about me. That hurt, bad. You say we're friends but you don't understand. I can't be just friends with you b/c you will always want me to give up my hope...but I can't. If you were a friend, you'd understand. I can't talk to you. I hurt you so bad. I can't do this anymore. Yes, I can try to push you away. Yes, you say that I can't...but I can. I can't hurt you anymore, can't you see that? I could never live with myself knowing I hurt you again. I'm so tired of you being mad and avoiding me. I'm so tired of it all. Maybe we shouldn't be friends, you thought we never had the friendship aspect anyway. Maybe we shouldn't talk. Maybe I should just die and get it over with. I could never accept what I did to you. I hurt the one person I could never live without. I hurt the one person that loved me when I was at my worst. I hurt the one person...the one that was meant for me. I hurt my one. I hurt you. Don't you see? I can't accept it. I just can't. Now, I've lost it all. I have no home. I have no future. I have nothing. If this child goes, I'm going to go. I have nothing else to do BUT die. My career goals are crashed...my family goals are crashed...everything I ever had is gone. My friends (all except for like 3) hate me. Everyone is ashamed. Your family hates me. Your own mother said some of the crudest, most insensitive things ever imaginable. You don't have to keep me as a friend because of "all we've been through" You dont have to and I don't know why you want to. You know damn well that I love you and could never stop. You know that I will always suffer from this. You know that I will never forgive myself. Now, I've lost it all. The baby is the only thing I have left. I just want my life back. I just want my goals back. I want you back, yes, I do. Not right now...not anytime soon...but I do. You would have been so proud of me. You would have been proud to know I took the chances with the medicines to get better for me and for you. You would have been proud of my career and college choices. You would have been proud of how I started getting better. Now, you'll never know. I've lost it all and I don't want to be here. The only thing keeping me from killing myself right now is I don't want to hurt the baby. But you know, even if it lived...maybe you're mom was right. Maybe it would hate me. Maybe it would never understand. It wouldn't have a home right now. I've ruined it's life already. I've ruined your life. I've ruined mine and now I've ruined Annastrianna/Alexander's life. (We really should discuss names...) Anyway, you say there's an answer...but this is it. You don't want to feel guilty. You don't want to "lose another friend"...but Josh, you've lost me. Don't you see? You gave up on me. You stopped loving me. You stopped caring. Josh, you lost me when you gave up. Now stop trying to fight for me to live when I don't want to. I have no reason to. I have no desire. I have no will. Yes, you would be the only one to talk me out of it...but I don't think you really want to. You said once you never wanted to see me face-to-face again...and now you're going to get that wish. You're going to have your life back. You get your dreams back. You get happiness. You get freedom. You can have whatever you want. I just hope you'll be truly happy in the end. I have nothing left, Josh. I have nothing. I have no other choice. I just hope you understand that.